Oh..what's the matter with me???....
Avaricious....over-ambitious....driven....arrogant....I am all this and more when it comes to most of the things in my life. Why am I so? Is it because I have been exposed to the dizzying heights of success and merit that individuals have reached or is it because I am simply calling myself "driven"/"ambitious" as an effacing tactic to distance myself from my work and my underperformance thereof!
This feeling was even stronger today on my drive to work...the notoriously infamous Bangalore traffic was at its chaotic best and I guess it was a perfect reflection of my state of mind....This morning, I saw my career at crossroads, a junction I had always hoped for..a break from the "mindless testing", "unbearable ordeals called meetings" and "work that stifles my creative genius"(!!). But it hit me then, that this juncture was not something that left a good taste in my mouth, this wasnt me...I had never backed out of anything just because I never liked it...I have been at my best when I challenged myself with targets(some most incongruous) that I always felt would make me work against the current. Never has there been a day when I felt that I was not wasting my time and energy on mindless assignments and dull projects. I always thought that I was cut out for something different (I have to admit that this feeling still persists), that I had been given a raw deal.
But this morning, I SAW the people on the streets....with loud music blaring from our car stereo, we were a picture of comfort and blissful satisfaction in our cosy vehicle, but I SAW the look in their eyes...middle aged gentlemen riding cycles...young men ferrying ridiculously heave loads on their 2 wheelers, ladies trying to grasp anything that was strong enough to prevent them from being thrown outside the buses...there was no complaint in them...no unhappiness....in some, I saw resignation, in few I saw nervous preoccupation, in few others, I saw the dire need to survive....most of them, it seemed to me never complained...they were just grateful for what they had..maybe their lives had stabilised after gaining a simple job...who knows what problems were weighing them down..and this job was the only means to overome such strife and pain.
I must be honest, that this morning I felt really selfish...why was I complaining so when I have no such compulsions to earn a living...I have always been surrounded by an extremely supportive family, encouraging friends, phenomenal work environment; had a safe and stimulating childhood and achieved a few noteworthy items along the way...then why am I complaining...
This song is the best way to express my thoughts right now:
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared
A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking...I am seeking the courage I lack
The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them I'll show me
So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me
Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kindAnd all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me
And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree
I have confidence in me
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me
Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!
It tells me all I trust I lead my heart toAll I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)
I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!
I really dont think I have found an answer to this question as yet....but one thing I have realised is that I have been blessed to have been isolated from all the turmoil and turbulence inflicting many people...I have been blessed...and I have taken all my blessings for granted...I need to change my attitude from one of constant grumbling to gratitude..not just to God but people who have achieved the demi-God status in my life....
This feeling was even stronger today on my drive to work...the notoriously infamous Bangalore traffic was at its chaotic best and I guess it was a perfect reflection of my state of mind....This morning, I saw my career at crossroads, a junction I had always hoped for..a break from the "mindless testing", "unbearable ordeals called meetings" and "work that stifles my creative genius"(!!). But it hit me then, that this juncture was not something that left a good taste in my mouth, this wasnt me...I had never backed out of anything just because I never liked it...I have been at my best when I challenged myself with targets(some most incongruous) that I always felt would make me work against the current. Never has there been a day when I felt that I was not wasting my time and energy on mindless assignments and dull projects. I always thought that I was cut out for something different (I have to admit that this feeling still persists), that I had been given a raw deal.
But this morning, I SAW the people on the streets....with loud music blaring from our car stereo, we were a picture of comfort and blissful satisfaction in our cosy vehicle, but I SAW the look in their eyes...middle aged gentlemen riding cycles...young men ferrying ridiculously heave loads on their 2 wheelers, ladies trying to grasp anything that was strong enough to prevent them from being thrown outside the buses...there was no complaint in them...no unhappiness....in some, I saw resignation, in few I saw nervous preoccupation, in few others, I saw the dire need to survive....most of them, it seemed to me never complained...they were just grateful for what they had..maybe their lives had stabilised after gaining a simple job...who knows what problems were weighing them down..and this job was the only means to overome such strife and pain.
I must be honest, that this morning I felt really selfish...why was I complaining so when I have no such compulsions to earn a living...I have always been surrounded by an extremely supportive family, encouraging friends, phenomenal work environment; had a safe and stimulating childhood and achieved a few noteworthy items along the way...then why am I complaining...
This song is the best way to express my thoughts right now:
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared
A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking...I am seeking the courage I lack
The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them I'll show me
So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me
Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kindAnd all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me
And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree
I have confidence in me
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me
Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!
It tells me all I trust I lead my heart toAll I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)
I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!
I really dont think I have found an answer to this question as yet....but one thing I have realised is that I have been blessed to have been isolated from all the turmoil and turbulence inflicting many people...I have been blessed...and I have taken all my blessings for granted...I need to change my attitude from one of constant grumbling to gratitude..not just to God but people who have achieved the demi-God status in my life....
posted by MMmmm at 5:41 AM
3 Comments:
You just said something wise..
"Never has there been a day when I felt that I was not wasting my time and energy on mindless assignments and dull projects." I always thought that with your talent, you were in the wrong job. More so, mid-2006 onwards, u were definitely in the wrong job.. Breaks dont come often. It is more difficult later on. Perhaps this is the best time for a switch. A switch to turn on the lights in ur creative head.. You have surely been cut out for something different.. Dont go by seeing people around you. Perhaps they might have had many limitations for which they have had to take hard decisions and resign to whatever that has come your way. Perhaps, ur loved ones have alienated you from most of these problems.. Therefore you have to only take it further and challenge the frontiers beyond many a person's reach.. not many people will be able to even get a choice to do what they like in their lives... more so, in the mid-20s.. when you can peak on all fronts.. in the next few days, you might be offered this choice.. you are not running away from anything.. instead you are writing your own destiny.. long have i seen u await such an opportunity.. finally it seems to have arrived.. go on and start writing a fresh chapter as this new year begins.. i have confidence in u.. you, are the master of your destiny..
Mirror
I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me.
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.
.....by Sylvia Plath
hmm... do gooder :P
Rules are rules. They are there to be followed and an upstanding citizen like you would not even consider breaking or even bending the laws a little. :P
That's all very fine and dandy, though it doesn't make you the most fun person to be around. Haha!!!! You are way too serious mals! You constantly worry about nothing!!
In fact, many would find rolling around naked in a barrel full of drawing pins more fun than being around you.
The word "stiff-necked" comes to mind. You take your responsibilities very seriously and have very little patience for anyone who doesn't. Err... A bit tooo serious,,, C'mon.. now is the time to have some fun,, atleast this year :)
You can be incredibly demanding and critical, somewhat akin to a teacher who is also incredibly demanding and critical. Very critical at times.. Oh My...
At least, your rigid values ensure that you're always honest... which means you have no qualms telling your fiance that, yes, he really does look like a bear with all that hair.
So far, we've established that you're bland, inflexible, offensive and no fun at all. Oh! what a Boar :P
Kind of like a bag of salt-lacking potato chips, a year past its expiry date, (well,, i guess its possible some planet far far away in a different galaxy)
Muahahahahaha
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